{"id":4874,"date":"2026-04-25T09:53:18","date_gmt":"2026-04-25T09:53:18","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.soham.de\/shame-the-hidden-wound-of-the-soul\/"},"modified":"2026-05-01T17:51:41","modified_gmt":"2026-05-01T17:51:41","slug":"shame-the-hidden-wound-of-the-soul","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.soham.de\/en\/shame-the-hidden-wound-of-the-soul\/","title":{"rendered":"Shame: the hidden wound of the soul"},"content":{"rendered":"
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An acquaintance asked me about the meaning of shame and how you can overcome this unpleasant feeling - especially in intimacy. As a sex therapist, I come across this topic very often. I see how shame overcomes many people and blocks them in their sexual experience and behavior. That's why I've revisited the topic and browsed through books and studies.
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\nThis article is the result of that. Inspired - as is often the case with me - primarily by reading an interesting book by Markus Markusen: C. G. Jung and Shame: The Hidden Wound of the Soul<\/i>, I set out to find out a few things about this unpopular feeling. I think that describing shame as a hidden wound of the soul is a very plausible definition. <\/span><\/p>\n

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What psychology says<\/span><\/h2>\n

Markusen describes shame as follows: \"Shame has no face. It has a disappearance. It is the feeling that hides itself, that is ashamed to exist at all. Those who are ashamed are also ashamed of the fact that they are ashamed. It is a physical experience, a social regulation, an existential wound.\"<\/p>\n

From a psychological point of view, shame is a complex, self-centered emotion that is perceived as extremely unpleasant. It is one of the most intense and at the same time least visible emotions. It influences us subtly, affects our social relationships and can have profound psychological consequences.<\/p>\n

Shame is a complex emotion that is deeply rooted in our identity. It arises when people judge their behavior, thoughts or feelings and evaluate them as inferior and\/or not in line with their own standards or the expectations of the community - be it in relation to our appearance, our behavior or our supposed performance. <\/span><\/p>\n

As several scientific studies have shown, shame plays a central role in the development of mental disorders: Shame is a hidden wound of the soul that does not heal on its own.<\/p>\n

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How do we experience shame?<\/h2>\n

When we look at ourselves from the outside and judge ourselves, our body or our performance as inadequate, shame arises. This often happens, for example, when we observe our sexual 'performance' from the outside. The term 'spectatoring' was also created for this, i.e. mentally distancing oneself from one's own body during sexual intimacy and observing oneself critically. This inevitably leads to a decrease in arousal and pleasure or blocks both as soon as they arise.<\/p>\n

In contrast to guilt, which relates to a specific action (\"I have done something wrong\"), shame concerns the entire self-image (\"I am wrong\"). Shame becomes part of our person. We cannot atone for it. The soul is wounded by shame and this hidden wound remains deeply concealed. Shame manifests itself physically through blushing. We can hardly hide it from our fellow human beings.<\/p>\n

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What is shame for and how does it work?<\/h2>\n

Shame is like a good friend who protects us. It makes sure that we behave according to social norms. It protects us from social exclusion.<\/p>\n

C.S. Jung describes shame as an archetypal affect that is as much a part of being human as shadow is to light. Shame, according to Markusen, \"always needs a counterpart, even if this counterpart is only an internalized image\".<\/p>\n

We can differentiate between two moments in the experience of shame: the fear of shame, i.e. the idea that we could be ashamed, and the feeling of shame itself, the actual experience of being ashamed.<\/p>\n

The ability to feel shame is considered innate. From a neurological point of view, shame is a kind of alarm that is deeply anchored in the nervous system, so that it eludes the will. Shame first appears at the age of around eighteen months and requires ego consciousness, i.e. the ability to recognize oneself in the mirror and perceive oneself as a person separate from others. <\/span><\/p>\n

The child who seeks his mother's gaze and finds disapproval instead of encouragement experiences his first shame, which hides deep in his soul as a wound. <\/span><\/p>\n

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Cleanliness education<\/h2>\n

There is a phase in human psychosexual development that can be particularly critical in terms of shame. This is the time of learning to be clean. Depending on how the parents deal with it, the child develops a deep-rooted feeling of shame. If the child is shamed, ridiculed or punished for not making it to the potty, what remains and becomes deeply rooted is the feeling of inferiority, the feeling of not being able to control one's own body. The consequence of this can manifest itself later in intimate relationships through a particularly stubborn need to remain in control, not being able to let go. The inability to surrender to the intimate moment, to pleasure. Orgasm problems often originate here.<\/p>\n

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The shame of the parents<\/h2>\n

Early childhood shame is the original source of most mental disorders, and it is often not caused by malicious intent, but by ignorance, excessive demands or the parents' own unprocessed shame.<\/p>\n

At such moments, the child experiences a total failure. The parents' shaming is not criticism of his behavior, something he could change. It is a judgment: You are wrong! And because the child is dependent on its parents, it has no choice but to believe this voice, adopt this judgment and hold on to it long after the parents have fallen silent.<\/p>\n

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How parents shame their children<\/h2>\n

There are various ways in which parents can shame their children. As we have already seen, cleanliness education is a common variant. Here are a few examples to illustrate this:<\/p>\n