Shame: the hidden wound of the soul

by | Apr 25, 2026 | Unkategorisiert | 0 comments

Shame: The hidden wound of the soul - SoHam Institut Hamburg

An acquaintance asked me about the meaning of shame and how you can overcome this unpleasant feeling - especially in intimacy. As a sex therapist, I come across this topic very often. I see how shame overcomes many people and blocks them in their sexual experience and behavior. That's why I've revisited the topic and browsed through books and studies.
><br /> This article is the result of that. Inspired - as is often the case with me - primarily by reading an interesting book by Markus Markusen: <span><i>C. G. Jung and Shame: The Hidden Wound of the Soul</i>, I set out to find out a few things about this unpopular feeling. I think that describing shame as a hidden wound of the soul is a very plausible definition. </span></p> <p> </p> <h2><span>What psychology says</span></h2> <p>Markusen describes shame as follows:

From a psychological point of view, shame is a complex, self-centered emotion that is perceived as extremely unpleasant. It is one of the most intense and at the same time least visible emotions. It influences us subtly, affects our social relationships and can have profound psychological consequences.

Shame is a complex emotion that is deeply rooted in our identity. It arises when people judge their behavior, thoughts or feelings and evaluate them as inferior and/or not in line with their own standards or the expectations of the community - be it in relation to our appearance, our behavior or our supposed performance.

As several scientific studies have shown, shame plays a central role in the development of mental disorders: Shame is a hidden wound of the soul that does not heal on its own.

 

How do we experience shame?

When we look at ourselves from the outside and judge ourselves, our body or our performance as inadequate, shame arises. This often happens, for example, when we observe our sexual 'performance' from the outside. The term 'spectatoring' was also created for this, i.e. mentally distancing oneself from one's own body during sexual intimacy and observing oneself critically. This inevitably leads to a decrease in arousal and pleasure or blocks both as soon as they arise.

In contrast to guilt, which relates to a specific action ("I have done something wrong"), shame concerns the entire self-image ("I am wrong"). Shame becomes part of our person. We cannot atone for it. The soul is wounded by shame and this hidden wound remains deeply concealed. Shame manifests itself physically through blushing. We can hardly hide it from our fellow human beings.

 

What is shame for and how does it work?

Shame is like a good friend who protects us. It makes sure that we behave according to social norms. It protects us from social exclusion.

C.S. Jung describes shame as an archetypal affect that is as much a part of being human as shadow is to light. Shame, according to Markusen, "always needs a counterpart, even if this counterpart is only an internalized image".

We can differentiate between two moments in the experience of shame: the fear of shame, i.e. the idea that we could be ashamed, and the feeling of shame itself, the actual experience of being ashamed.

The ability to feel shame is considered innate. From a neurological point of view, shame is a kind of alarm that is deeply anchored in the nervous system, so that it eludes the will. Shame first appears at the age of around eighteen months and requires ego consciousness, i.e. the ability to recognize oneself in the mirror and perceive oneself as a person separate from others.

The child who seeks his mother's gaze and finds disapproval instead of encouragement experiences his first shame, which hides deep in his soul as a wound.

 

Cleanliness education

There is a phase in human psychosexual development that can be particularly critical in terms of shame. This is the time of learning to be clean. Depending on how the parents deal with it, the child develops a deep-rooted feeling of shame. If the child is shamed, ridiculed or punished for not making it to the potty, what remains and becomes deeply rooted is the feeling of inferiority, the feeling of not being able to control one's own body. The consequence of this can manifest itself later in intimate relationships through a particularly stubborn need to remain in control, not being able to let go. The inability to surrender to the intimate moment, to pleasure. Orgasm problems often originate here.

 

The shame of the parents

Early childhood shame is the original source of most mental disorders, and it is often not caused by malicious intent, but by ignorance, excessive demands or the parents' own unprocessed shame.

At such moments, the child experiences a total failure. The parents' shaming is not criticism of his behavior, something he could change. It is a judgment: You are wrong! And because the child is dependent on its parents, it has no choice but to believe this voice, adopt this judgment and hold on to it long after the parents have fallen silent.

 

How parents shame their children

There are various ways in which parents can shame their children. As we have already seen, cleanliness education is a common variant. Here are a few examples to illustrate this:

  • Just as shameful is the possessive mother who shames through appropriation. She shames the child in its attempts to gain autonomy and go its own way. Her phrase is: "How can you do this to me?". The child learns that his autonomy is shameful and suppresses his impulses in this direction.
  • The father's absence equally shames the child, who is shown indifference towards him. The absent father shows the child that it is not important enough to deserve his attention. His silence says: You are not worth enough. What What the child learns is that its existence is not worthy of attention.
  • Role reversal - or 'parentification ' - in which the child is made the better partner for a parent who is unable to meet their own emotional and/or physical adult needs in any other way, is a particularly perfidious form of familial shaming because it steals the child's childhood and burdens them with a shame they do not deserve.

 

The ideal self-image - the mask - and the shadow

In the course of our lives, we humans develop a kind of idealized self-image, a mixture of attributes and characteristics that we consider socially acceptable and desirable. We show these to the outside world. A kind of 'mask'. Without this mask, others would be able to see what is behind it in the 'shadow', i.e. the parts that we have banished, that are ugly and unloved, the aspects that we would be ashamed of if they were visible to others. Today's widespread striving for authenticity and absolute honesty gives the impression of having shed one's own mask.

Interestingly, Markusen emphasizes the following: "the idea of authenticity is itself a persona, perhaps the most sophisticated of all masks: the mask of masklessness. The person who says: I am authentic, I show myself as I am, has in fact put on a new mask, the mask of vulnerability that is so popular in contemporary culture."

 

The emergence of consciousness

In terms of depth psychology, the biblical Fall of Man shows the emergence of consciousness. This is an ability that enables us to look at ourselves from the outside. In this state of consciousness we discover that we are naked, that we are mortal, that we are imperfect. Shame - according to Markusen - "is the flip side of reflection, the dark twin of self-awareness."

In my practice as a sex counselor, I often encounter the topic of shame. This emotion is very limiting. It stifles any sexual impulse as soon as it arises and leaves you feeling inadequate and inferior. Sexual shame is often the cause of conflicts in the couple's relationship.

Shame is at its most destructive when it comes to sexuality. "Sexual shame - according to Markusen - concerns the body in its most vulnerable form: naked, aroused, needy, at the mercy of the other. Sexual shame is the deepest layer of body shame because it shows the body in its animal truth, at the moment when the person has the least control and is most visible."

How we can free ourselves from this deep-seated shame is a long process. It starts with the perception of what is and not what should be. In sexual intimacy, it starts with feeling the body, with the - preferably - loving and non-judgemental perception of what is. Letting go of stereotypical ideas about how sex should be, how you should behave as a sexual being. By discovering your own sexual personality, preferences and tastes.

Male shame, female shame

Markusen distinguishes between male and female shame:

  • Men are ashamed of one thing above all: being weak. In terms of sexuality, it means not being able to stand your ground. Because a real man can always and always wants to. A real man doesn't need anyone. That's why many men suffer from loneliness and seek psychotherapeutic help less often because they are ashamed to show their loneliness.
  • Women, on the other hand, suffer from the Madonna-whore divide. This creates a double shame for women: the shame of purity and the shame of lust. A woman has to behave herself, be attractive to the male gaze, she should not demand too much but also not be so reserved when it comes to sex. Being a woman today means being caught up in this ambivalence. As Markusen summarizes, the emancipation of women has created new forms of shame: "the shame of not being employed enough, the shame of not being a mother enough, the shame of not being feminist enough, the shame of being too much or too little of everything. Today's woman lives in a shame minefield where every decision is a potential shame: the decision to have a career shames her as a mother, the decision to be a mother shames her as a feminist, the decision to do both shames her as a woman who doesn't do enough of both."

 

Conclusion

The topic of shame is profound and complex. As a sex therapist, I recommend approaching shame in a 'friendly' way. To see it as an ally rather than an enemy that we should fight against.

Understanding what it is there for is more helpful than spending a lot of time thinking about why it arose. I also think that getting rid of it completely is pointless and not really worthwhile.

Rather, I recommend a small-scale process in which shame repeatedly withdraws from its protective position because it recognizes that we don't need it right now.

This will inevitably require us to take a critical look at our internalized beliefs as well as commandments and prohibitions and at the same time pay loving attention to the body in order to recognize its trauma response better and faster and to consciously and gently dissolve it. The hidden wound of the soul caused by shame can then slowly heal.

 

You may also be interested in these articles:

Pleasure instead of frustration 

The meaning of touch in sex therapy

 

Some sources